There are so many thoughts in my head right now, all
squirming in their seats like a classroom full of preschool children with hands
raised in the air, bursting with impatience and energy as they clamor for
attention saying, "Pick me! PICK ME!"
This semester, I have been attempting to take seriously the
commandment about the Sabbath – taking a period of rest every week to refresh,
recharge, and refocus. These past few days, I've been thinking and planning in
anticipation of today’s “Sabbath Sunday.” What would I do during my day of
rest? I finally decided to write another blog post; it’s been far too long
since my last one and so much life has happened in-between then and now.
A little too much life, actually. Sitting here on my couch,
scanning the imaginary preschool classroom of my brain, I can’t quite decide on which
thought should be selected and developed. At the break-neck pace of my last
semester in college, there simply hasn't been time for me to fully think
through all of the things that I want to say. With that being said, this post
might be a little chaotic, but, after all, who doesn't love a little chaos?
Well, me, actually. I don’t love chaos. Neither do most
other people I know.
Okay, never mind.
Have you ever noticed that life seems to come in themes?
Like a chapter in a book or a scene in a movie, each stage
or season of life seems to focus on one central issue or point in the plot.
If my story were recorded on the big screen in the pages of a book (psych. Always a book. Books are so much better), well first of all, that would be a really boring book and would probably only be used to prop up the short leg on the kitchen stool. Secondly, it would have the theme of anticipation.
As I think back on all of the conversations with friends, journal entries, and thoughts I've had in the past 3 months, they have all revolved around this anticipation of the future. I'm constantly looking ahead, looking forward, thinking about what is to come.
Going to the Dominican Republic
My sister's wedding
GRADUATION
We all watched Snow White and the Seven Dwarves when we were kids, right? Who else couldn't sleep at night after watching the scene where Snow White is lost in the woods and all the trees become monsters with glowing eyes and gaping mouths, tearing at her skirts with their skeletal branch-hands?
Girl, I feel ya. No matter where I go, it seems like I can't escape that one question everyone just loves to ask.
"What are you going to do after you graduate?"
I know that no one means any harm by it, and I appreciate the fact that they are genuinely interested in my life, but sometimes I feel like pulling a Snow White - screaming and falling to the floor of the Student Center in a dead faint.
Not really. Although potentially hilarious, that would be excessively dramatic.
The problem is that I'm not really sure what is going to happen at this point. I have ideas. I have dreams. But no feasible, concrete plan of action to get where I want to go. Where do I even start? In 21st century America, the land of options and opportunities, you can get lost before you even begin looking. There are pressures on me from every side, and none of them I need nor want.
My professors have expectations. They've been developing me and investing in me for the past four years, and I know that they want me to go far and achieve much.
I want to make my parents proud. I'm pretty sure they would still be proud of me if I moved to Southern Arkansas and lived in a hut eating Ramen noodles and wearing burlap sacks for the rest of my life, but still.
I want to follow God's will. How can I ensure that the plans I am following are what he desires for me to accomplish and not just my own selfish ambitions?
So much to think about. So much to decide.
Wouldn't it be nice if we only had to wrestle with one worry at a time? But no, it doesn't work like that.
In the midst of this graduation fiasco, another nagging little devil has reared its ugly head.
I love my school. It's great.
However, with a "relationship" chapel every other service, an engagement or two every weekend, and the majority of my friends either taken or "talking", it can be rough place for a chronically single girl to live. I'm pretty sure my flaming ginger locks spring straight from my feisty and fiercely independent personality. Most [if not all] days, I am just fine without a man on my arm. Every so often, though, a wayward lonely thought will pierce my heart and begin a string of questions that I cannot sufficiently answer.
I have a friend who is very similar to me, in both physical appearance and personality. Not only do we have the same taste in guys, but we also have the same level of experience and expertise when it comes to dealing with men. (Read that as: No freaking clue what we're doing) Whenever I would have these wayward thoughts, I would think of her and say to myself,
"Look at this tall, confident, beautiful young woman who has never dated a man before. There's nothing wrong with her and she's been single her whole life, so there probably isn't anything wrong with me."
Wouldn't you know it, this friend up and found herself a man in the most romantic and fairy-tale way possible. I won't go into details, but there were strangers and coffee shops and serendipitous run-ins involved. While I am beyond happy for her, I can't help but feel slightly envious. It leaves me wondering and questioning what I'm doing wrong. Is there something wrong with me? Do I have some fundamental flaw?
It's not an uncommon question for a woman to have. Put your hands up if you're surprised that a girl is questioning her self-worth based on the attentions, or in this case in-attentions, of a male figure. wow. look at all of those hands.
My struggle right now is how to move beyond that to a place where my identity is so deeply rooted in Christ that the presence or absence of a man in my life does not affect me emotionally. Maybe I will have a relationship some day. Maybe I won't.
Maybe that's not a bad thing.
In any case, I've got a lot to think about and ponder and anticipate in these next few months. I don't know where this life is going, but I guess I'll find out soon, and I'll keep you posted.
